To Whom It May Concern

“Support small, local business!” you like to shout, and I agreed! So, when I needed a new wire brush and some light bulbs on a Sunday afternoon, I decided instead of driving to the big-box hardware store I would spend $4.00 more – yet save $1.00 on gas – and go to your small, chronically under-stocked shop. After struggling to find a parking spot, I skipped up towards the door. As my hand reached out for the handle and my watch ticked over to  4:01pm,  the pimply-faced employee standing on the other side of the glass door stared me in the eye and locked the door. Is this the home-town service you trumpet about? The “Yeah, we might not have as much as the other guys, but we’re your neighbour and we care!” philosophy you’ve been ramming down our throats for the past decade? You’ve been lying all along. Next time I will simply drive directly to the big-box store with their well-stocked shelves, late hours and spacious aisles.  And when that day comes when the “Out Of Business” sign goes up on your store-front and they tear down your building to put up condos – I’ll be the guy laughing and cheering!

My friend and I saw you stuff that cooked ham under your jacket. She became upset and wanted to alert the manager – but I didn’t want to. Maybe it was because you looked like you needed that ham more than the grocery store needed it’s $7.99 or maybe I was just thrilled by watching someone thumb their nose at the law – but for some reason I found myself rooting for you! I hope you enjoyed your meal!

This may come as a surprise to you, but I came into your bicycle shop intending to talk to you about buying a bicycle! How did my enquiry about a certain model’s features and price turn into me standing here listening to you talk and talk about how many bikes you personally own? Am I supposed to be impressed and surprised that you own 18 different bikes? I’m not. In fact, I would expect nothing else from a 38-year-old man with discs in his ears working in a bike store for minimum wage.

Can’t you sense your sale slipping away? I came in eager to buy and now I feel sweaty and panicked! I don’t want to hear anymore about your low-rider or delivery bike or “fixie” – I’m not even sure what those words mean! I just want to leave this place! If I knew your schedule I would come back on a day you are not working, but because I don’t I will continue riding my old bike for now. Your enthusiasm terrifies me!