To Whom It May Concern

You set me up old lady – made me appear quite the fool! I try my best to be a polite and well-mannered member of society – that’s why I offered you my seat on the streetcar for you and your tricky old bones! You turned me down – said you were only going a couple of stops. As our trip continued and you didn’t get off, I offered again! Practically insisted! You refused so forcefully I really couldn’t continue without causing a scene – perhaps by standing up, grabbing your shoulders and pushing you down into the seat. So I sat there with you standing right beside me, teetering and elderly.  I could feel the eyes of other passengers on me wondering what kind of young, able-bodied fiend I was for not giving you my seat. Oh, but you weren’t finished with me yet, were you? Suddenly an old man – bent and crooked – notices you and stands up! You exchange some sort of secret old-person nod and then you lower yourself into his seat! My god, you are crafty! Now everyone on the streetcar thinks this poor, ancient man had to abandon his seat because I wouldn’t! I sit shamed and embarrassed, and stare out the window for the rest of the trip.

You won this time, old lady. This time.

Listen sister, we’ve got to watch out for each other out here. We choose to ride our bicycles in a city known for not being very bicycle friendly! 3 out of 5 mornings we end up riding along the same long stretch of road at the same time. I pass you as you weave back and forth in the bike lane. You ride so slowly I’m not even sure how you maintain enough forward momentum to keep your bicycle upright! Inevitably I will come to a red light and stop. And inevitably you will cruise right past me! Completely ignoring the traffic signal you will blithely sail through the intersection, your head held high and fixed straight ahead. You don’t even seem to check if there’s traffic coming from either side! I don’t want to come across as pro-Nanny State or in support of blindly following rules. In fact, I’m a firm believer in going through red lights on quiet stretches of road. At night. When no one is around. After coming to a full stop. But I don’t think you realize the consequences of your actions. First of all, we bicycle riders are constantly struggling for respect and legitimacy in this city and the only way we are going to get that is by riding with respect. Blatantly ignoring the rules of the road on busy streets does nothing but contribute to the animosity drivers have for us! How can we complain when we are cut-off and ignored and not given the space that is legally ours if we ourselves do not obey the traffic laws? And personally, because you pass me at every stoplight, I have to pass you again and again each time I catch up to you. I hate this. I have to leave the bike lane and enter traffic to avoid your wandering, unpredictable path! It’s so tempting to kick you into a lamppost, but in the spirit of constructive dialogue I would like to suggest the following solutions:

1. Ride faster so I don’t have to pass you repeatedly.
2. Obey traffic lights so you aren’t constantly passing me at them.
3. Take the bus.

Oh, you are a clever thing! I overheard you on the subway – your friend was talking about having seen an art show and not feeling like he really understood it. You nodded sympathetically and said “Yeah, sometimes modern art is just talking to itself”.

I don’t know if that’s something that you made up or something that you’d read – but I had never heard it before that moment! It’s so perfect and you’re so cute, I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and imagine that you just thought of it. You delight me!