To Whom It May Concern

Listen sister, we’ve got to watch out for each other out here. We choose to ride our bicycles in a city known for not being very bicycle friendly! 3 out of 5 mornings we end up riding along the same long stretch of road at the same time. I pass you as you weave back and forth in the bike lane. You ride so slowly I’m not even sure how you maintain enough forward momentum to keep your bicycle upright! Inevitably I will come to a red light and stop. And inevitably you will cruise right past me! Completely ignoring the traffic signal you will blithely sail through the intersection, your head held high and fixed straight ahead. You don’t even seem to check if there’s traffic coming from either side! I don’t want to come across as pro-Nanny State or in support of blindly following rules. In fact, I’m a firm believer in going through red lights on quiet stretches of road. At night. When no one is around. After coming to a full stop. But I don’t think you realize the consequences of your actions. First of all, we bicycle riders are constantly struggling for respect and legitimacy in this city and the only way we are going to get that is by riding with respect. Blatantly ignoring the rules of the road on busy streets does nothing but contribute to the animosity drivers have for us! How can we complain when we are cut-off and ignored and not given the space that is legally ours if we ourselves do not obey the traffic laws? And personally, because you pass me at every stoplight, I have to pass you again and again each time I catch up to you. I hate this. I have to leave the bike lane and enter traffic to avoid your wandering, unpredictable path! It’s so tempting to kick you into a lamppost, but in the spirit of constructive dialogue I would like to suggest the following solutions:

1. Ride faster so I don’t have to pass you repeatedly.
2. Obey traffic lights so you aren’t constantly passing me at them.
3. Take the bus.

This may come as a surprise to you, but I came into your bicycle shop intending to talk to you about buying a bicycle! How did my enquiry about a certain model’s features and price turn into me standing here listening to you talk and talk about how many bikes you personally own? Am I supposed to be impressed and surprised that you own 18 different bikes? I’m not. In fact, I would expect nothing else from a 38-year-old man with discs in his ears working in a bike store for minimum wage.

Can’t you sense your sale slipping away? I came in eager to buy and now I feel sweaty and panicked! I don’t want to hear anymore about your low-rider or delivery bike or “fixie” – I’m not even sure what those words mean! I just want to leave this place! If I knew your schedule I would come back on a day you are not working, but because I don’t I will continue riding my old bike for now. Your enthusiasm terrifies me!